Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
