that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
