drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
