the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
