you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
