Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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