hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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