Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Send help, water and tortillas.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
