I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
