My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
