you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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