I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
