You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
