It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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