I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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