oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
