If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
