I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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