hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
