I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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