she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
