I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you inspire me to be a worse person
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
