I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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