why didn't you poke me back
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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