im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
