I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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