Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
