just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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