Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
