Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
