I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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