I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
