Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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