Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
