I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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