Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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