Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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