wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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