i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
