My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
