Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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