he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
