just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
