I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
