i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
