I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
