I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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