FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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