bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
