my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
